Read this as the mandatory new year post.
Just about half an hour and 2011 will officially be done. It wasn’t necessarily one of the best years. Not even close. Just glad that it’s over, almost.
I’ve got absolute no hopes or anything for 2012.
Still, Happy 2012 to everyone!
Absolutely hate it when anger turns into tears.
I’m more than sure I don’t want to live with these people anymore. Just waiting for the day I get a chance to leave, and I’ll be gone in minutes. I wouldn’t even need to think about what they’d think or whatever. Also, I don’t really give a fuck anymore.
I have a life of my own. And I want to live it the way I want. Without all of this bullshit.
What ever happened to all the “elders are more mature than you” and shit? I don’t even see the m of maturity here. All the ego and strong headed-ness, is acceptable only to a limit.
And I think I’ve taken this shit for way long than I was supposed to. From now on, fuck each and everyone of you. I am going to be the most selfish bitch you’ve ever known.
P.S.: You are to be blamed for making me this.
Remember that one whole year when I used to stay home all day long and do nothing? Seems like ages ago.
The first semester has come to an end and how! So much activity has happened in the last 3 months, I cannot get over how amazing it was and how I loved every bit of it. From introducing yourself, to what seemed like, a hundred times in every professor’s class, to talking to every possible of the 120 students just to find the right group of people.
From the silly fashion show practices to managing a proper marketing event, from attending seminars every weekend to missing out on the alumni function, from being nervous about the very first presentation to bunking lectures, from celebrating birthdays (when there wasn’t any) to the every morning coffee, from going to college all the way just to play table tennis to sitting in the library an hour before every exam, from being the one’s who never cared for lectures to being the one’s with dark circles during those last two weeks.
This is what the whole semester was about.
Honestly, I was never expecting it to be this hectic. But hey, am I complaining? I love this feeling of having something or the other to do ALL THE TIME. Makes me feel so much alive, which is exactly what I always want.
Over the last few months, priorities have changed (some deliberately, some unknowingly). And I couldn’t have possibly done anything to control that.
There’s too many things I want from life at the same time. I don’t know what they are, really; but they’re a lot.
Right now. At this very moment. This is what I want. I don’t know where that leaves me, or anyone else. I’m probably being too selfish right now. But then again, there’s only so much I can do.
Anyhoo.
Coming back to the point, Christmas vacations are here. A two-day trip to Lonavala with friends has been planned. I have a feeling it’s going to be crazy (that too, without any alcohol being involved). Have to meet up with people I haven’t seen in months!
So much to do, so much to sleep.
Hopefully, the next few weeks or months or whatever are going to be decent, if not amazing. Touch-wood.
P.S.: I’m a qaurter of an MBA, already. Yeyy!
So, I’m back to writing here. That should mean I’m feeling depressed again, yes? Yes.
Nothing happened really. Except that I started studying today, and the first four hours were spent trying to understand “Debit the receiver, credit the giver”, ”Debit what comes in, credit what goes out” and “Debit all the expenses and losses, credit all incomes and gains”. And I guess I managed to do fairly well. I can almost do the basic journal entries now. Woohoo.
Either all the accounts is getting to my head, or I’m over-thinking about something. There’s no other reason why I would be here writing this blog post. The general “I-feel-happy-cause-I’m-awesome” has been replaced by “My-head-hurts-and-I-don’t-know-why.”
Anyhoo.
I still have this stupid smile on, I don’t know why. It’s annoying at times that it never goes away, not even when I’m not particularly happy or anything. Well, that’s me for you. Always smiling like an idiot. Almost, always.
For now, I need to go back to study some more. Just a week until exams begin. Very tempted to sleep over this weird mood but, never mind. Must, must study.
Bye. 
P.S.: Happy birthday, M. I owe you a treat for not being the usual, excited me today. I love you so much. Saala.
I really don’t know the reason why I’m still up. Ideally, I should either be studying or(/and) sleeping right now but somehow I can’t stop thinking about things. I don’t even know what I’m thinking. It’s either too many thoughts at the same time or I’m completely mistaken that I’m thinking about something when actually, I’m not. A little confusing, it is.
Like, flipping through channels on the television. One thought after the other. Random thoughts which aren’t even related to each other in any possible way. Not even thoughts. Just words floating around in my head, and I try to pull them down together, hoping any of it would make sense. Doesn’t. Just doesn’t. As if I’m trying to match pieces of different puzzles altogether.
Questions. Too many questions.
What am I doing? Why am I doing? What do I want? Is it wrong? What else am I supposed to do? Am I that bad a person? What was I thinking? Was I even thinking at all?
Answers. Just one answer.
I don’t know.
I don’t even know what I’m talking about, anymore.
Tears.
Nothing makes sense. Maybe I need to stop pretending that I’m happy. I’m not sad either, no. I’m just.. okay, you know?
And I want to be okay, being okay. I want everybody else to be okay with me being okay.
Don’t ask me if anything’s wrong. It’s all okay. Everything is, just fine.
P.S.: If something’s wrong, I don’t know it yet.
Helloz!
Been about 3 months since I last updated this place. THAT busy I’ve been. (Or so I’d like to believe)
Nothing much has happened ever since, anyway. There was the college Freshers’ Party which was.. well, let’s not go into the “what all happened” details and settle for “It was good”, kay? Other than that, there was Synergy, the college alumni meet which I skipped (and supposedly, it was a good thing that I missed it for many reasons. One of them being that I would’ve wanted to rip my eyes out after seeing the so-called “performances”). I am SO going to attend this next year.
Anyhoo.
I’ve been bored as hell since what seems like ages now. There’s absolutely no fun happening. College and everything is all cool but there’s something which is just not there. And I don’t know what that something is. I’m awesome at not being able to figure things out, I know.
I feel like going to Goa but cannot because I’ve spent a little too much in the last month. And all mom is going to give me if I ask for money is, the silent look. Which basically means “Do you really want me to show you the written document for how much you’ve already spent unnecessarily?” Savings. I wish I hadn’t spent all my savings. Damn you, cell phone and hair straightener and those tempting pair of jeans and everything else. Sigh.
Since travelling is not an option right now, maybe I need to start doing something as a hobby or whatever. Anything that gives me a break from all the monotony. Then again, I have my first terms coming up in less than a month. Great. It’s like a trap.
Now before I start doing what I very certainly might, I’m going to stop right here and save you and me from all cribbing that’s going to follow if I write anymore.
You’re welcome.
The first post on this blog coming from an *drumrolls* Mba student. Sounds cool?
Trust me, it’s not. It’s been two days since college started and if you ask me how’s it going so far, I’ll say it’s crazy.
For starters, every class is a 90-minute lecture. That is, 90 minutes of not moving from the seat, staring at the professor’s Elvis Presley-ish side locks and trying to understand his pure South Indian accent OR watching people (who have already studied business in college and are purely just showing off when they use the terms “customer satisfaction”, “demands and supply”, “efficiency” and so on) sell water purifiers and argue over why cars manufactured in Germany are better than the one’s manufactured in UK. Someone even confidently raised their hand and said that “People in UK booze a lot whereas people in Germany don’t booze that much. So, it’s obvious.” Not that smart an answer afterall, Mr. Bachelors In Business Management.
Also, there’s this guy who loves Hindi-to-English name translations. For example, a girl named Gaganpreet becomes SkyLover, a restaurant named City Point becomes Shehar Bindu and things like that. The worst part is, I have to tolerate this all day long because, well, we sort of travel together and we have the same classes and all. And he really likes to talk and tries to be funny while I try to not kill him, which is going really good if you ask me because I haven’t killed him. Yet. Sadly, the thing Sheldon does – when he stares and tries to get Leonard’s brain to explode – yeah, that doesn’t work.
To top it all, I’m supposed to wear a formal shirt and trousers for about half of the week. Which is like, three out of six days. Yes, I have college on Saturdays too.
I should’ve taken up a job or something instead. At least I’d get Saturdays off. But then again, I would’ve had to wear formals five days a week and they would expect me to write codes all day long. Plus, the pay for freshers isn’t that good either. I guess it is sort of pointless if you’re not good with coding, because eventually they would fire you. So, Mba isn’t really a bad option for someone who has a “technical background”, yeah?
How bad can Financial Accounting, Managerial Economics, Business Management, etcetra be? My answer as of now would be, very.
I stand in the balcony, watch it rain. Eyes close. I hear the sound of the airplanes that took off and landed every minute. Eyes open. Only, it’s not the same balcony. And there are no more airplanes I see, except the ones that appear as tiny as the stars. The feeling is the same. Just the things around the feeling aren’t the same anymore. I stand there trying to shift focus to now. All I think of is.. you. And the airplanes.
Smiles.
The only link I see between you, and what I had before, are these memories. Some faded, some as clear as a crystal.
I stand near the wall on the terrace with my hands folded. Eyes close. Feel the breeze. I think of the old guy who would spend the whole day fixing his old white Ambassador. This feels like home. Eyes open. There’s a brand new shiny car parked.
Smiles.
How quickly things change.
I listen to the classics on my itunes. Stare at the rain outside the window for hours. It smells like you. Feels nice. Eyes close. I hear the same record being played while I sat on the couch. I can hear Ma do something in the kitchen. Eyes open. Ma is here.
Smiles.
I’m happy. Touchwood. And you know why. How long has it been, anyway? I guess I must’ve overslept a few months, or years. Feels like it was just yesterday.
Don’t have a lot to say. Or may be, I do. Who knows?
A post must happen soon, I guess.
For a quick update – I can’t really say that it’s getting better but it isn’t all that bad either.
And, I’m.. smiling. After a real long time. *touchwood*
P.S.: You’re awesome. And I love you. Everyone of you.
A good sense of humor is probably the best medicine for everything. And there’s plenty of it around me, if you ask. Sometimes, it’s just not enough. No matter how much ever you smile, you know its killing you inside.
And the worst part of it all, the only thing you can do is sit and watch. Just sit. And watch. Then suddenly you’re feeling all too weak to even do that. What now? Go home and just lie there. Just lie. Don’t feel a thing.
I don’t need the… “Oh, don’t worry. It’s going to be fine.” I know it’s going to be fine. It has to be fine. I just have to vent it out here cause, honestly, I’m tired of crying. Even sitting here, writing this piece of oh-i-just-need-to-sulk-crap, hurts my eyes. That much crying. Lame, right? But there’s nothing anyone can do to make it better.
Need to sleep now to get back to being - “I’m okay. No, really. Don’t worry” – tomorrow morning.
Somewhere between being happy and being sad, I'm smiling at everything. =)
I heart my friends. I heart my family. I heart music. I heart Bombay. And I heart black.
P.S - The blog mostly includes things happening in my life, around me or the way I feel.
