Dear diary

A good sense of humor is probably the best medicine for everything. And there’s plenty of it around me, if you ask. Sometimes, it’s just not enough. No matter how much ever you smile, you know its killing you inside.

And the worst part of it all, the only thing you can do is sit and watch. Just sit. And watch. Then suddenly you’re feeling all too weak to even do that. What now? Go home and just lie there. Just lie. Don’t feel a thing.

I don’t need the… “Oh, don’t worry. It’s going to be fine.” I know it’s going to be fine. It has to be fine. I just have to vent it out here cause, honestly, I’m tired of crying. Even sitting here, writing this piece of oh-i-just-need-to-sulk-crap, hurts my eyes. That much crying. Lame, right? But there’s nothing anyone can do to make it better.

Need to sleep now to get back to being - “I’m okay. No, really. Don’t worry” – tomorrow morning.

Something must be done to stop these dreams.

The letter which stays with me for the next 57 years

The courier guy just delivered a brown package to me. Which says.. “From, Shreyansh Mazumdar”. I’ve been smiling ever since, I swear. Since he’s attending a lecture right now, I thought I’ll blog by the time he’s done. =]

It includes a letter. A letter. My first letter. I haven’t received a proper actual hand-written letter in my 20 years of life. (He sure knows how to make things amazing)

“There’s a particular… urm… specific way of going through the contents of this package.”

I did it your way, Shreyansh. And trust me on this one, it couldn’t have been any better than this.

Contents:

1. The Beatles Box.
2. The Blue Eiffel.
3. Sennheiser earphones. (Tango-chew proof)
4. A Dunlop Capo.
5. The authentic oil-drop Jim Dunlop pick.
6. His original John Mayer CD.
7. Belgian dark chocolates.
8. P4Poetry Anthology 2008-09.
9. Post cards.
10. The black converse key-chain.

Each and everything which means SO much to me. Sigh. I’m glad mom and bhai aren’t home right now (I know you wanted me to open this with them) for it would be weird for them to see me cry while I read the letter and followed the procedure. I don’t remember if I’ve ever cried when I’m happy? Khushi ke aasu, quite literally.

Its unbelievable how you make things mean so much more to people. I’m so sure if  anyone else sent me the same package, with the same contents,  it wouldn’t have meant the same to me. Not even close.

You’re JM CD, P4Poetry book, the post cards. I haven’t been this happy, ever. It probably just sounds like any other statement, but its true. I am overwhelmed.

I waited 20 minutes to call you after going through everything, reading your letter and post-cards again and again  and again, hoping that I’d be done with all the crying by then. (Didn’t want to appear all lame, you know)

All I can say is, thank you SO much for everything.

Long Live The Donkey.

“]

I is happy is good for a caption? =D

P.S.: Try not to keep me updated JUST by sending parcels. Show yourself online, or answering calls will do just fine.

Good bye, 2010.

I was supposed to write one last post before the year ended. However, laziness took over. In my defense, I did start writing something but figured it wasn’t really turning into a “happy” post, so trashed it altogether.

Just three and a half hour before the clock strikes 12. And I’m sitting and writing this post. I SO need to have a life. Not that I don’t like the one I have. But then, yeah.

Anyhoo, pizza has been ordered. Tabs for Facebook, Twitter, Gtalk and OMGPOP are all open. Mom, Bhai and Tango are sitting and watching TV while I write this. Its all good.

2011 will sure be better than 2010. So I hope.

Goodbye, 2010.

And 2011, be good.

..And somehow it all makes sense

Came across this beautiful quote by Bob Marley. Thought I’d share it here.

 

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”

 

That would be it for now.

Peace.

-

Hello again. Been a while since I wrote here.

And no, I wasn’t busy. I just somehow don’t find the time. Despite the fact that I have all day, it just doesn’t seem enough. I’ve been doing nothing expect for a couple of hours of studying, sleeping and wasting some time browsing through the internet.

There’s practically nothing, and I mean NOTHING at all happening in my life whatsoever. But I look around and I go, “Whoa, is it just me?” ‘Cause every soul I know has something or the other going on. Good or bad. But something.

You know how they show it in movies –  Everything around you seems to be moving too fast for you to even be able to see. You’re just standing still. Not moving an inch.

Some may feel its better than feeling sad. Quoting Lady Antebellum here – “I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.”

Not Right

In the last 8 hours, I did all the things I absolutely did not want to. And now I’m going through this major guilt trip. It sure did not feel right. That wasn’t me, at all. Not even close.

You just have to do certain things ’cause you’re supposed to understand and behave in a certain manner. No matter how much ever you did not want to make that call, after hours of staring at the phone, you do. Because everyone wants you to. And you do it thinking, “What the heck. Its just a call.” You realize it only later that it was a lot more than what you thought. Its how you pretend to care when you don’t. The worst part, having to pretend cause others want you to. Yeah well, its not happening again. Ever.

My head was the sanest place I knew until a couple of months ago. Look at it now. Such a mess. I shall not be or try to be anything I’m not. I owe me this. This thing above my shoulders needs to be the way it was.

Nobody must tell you what to do, let alone forcing you into doing things. And it shall not happen. There are important things to worry about. I will make sure I give me the peace of mind I deserve.

I need to get involved with myself, again. Its been a while since I spent time by myself thinking about random things. Must happen.

Peace.

P.S.: I care about myself too.

So High, Little Bird

Well, almost everyone told me that I’m being mean to my blog and loading it with all the depressing shit, this post is happening ’cause I’m  happy. No, nothing happened. I just woke up feeling good today; and the first thing that came to my mind was that I might as well blog while this lasts. The last few days have been a blur, and this sudden breath of happiness is much welcomed.

The day has been productive so far. Played a lot of guitar. Studied without any pretense. Spent some time chatting with mom reliving the whole of my 20 years. Pure nostalgia. And, I feel a little less wasted and worthless. So, yayy.

I’m in love with the whole world again and I like it better this way.

I will try and make it a point to blog when I’m happy too. Everyone should know that my mood swings towards the better side too. That is all.

Peace!

I’m No Super Man – 2

The only person that MIGHT never disappoint you is, YOU. At some point or the other, knowingly or unknowingly, everyone else will.

Its natural for you to be mad and hurt and frustrated. And I guess its natural if you feel things won’t be the same again. Cause for me, I know, they won’t. I’d be a liar if I said “its okay”. Its not. Cause, the thing called Trust? Its gone, again. Puff. Like, everything just changed with the blink of your eye.

I believe, all you need to do is learn to let go. Learn to not hold on to the anger. Cause…

“After all, we’re only human

Always fighting what we’re feeling, hurt, instead of healing

And after all, we’re only human

Is there any other reason why we stay instead of leaving?”

But then again, I’m human too. How much can one let go?

“I hope I make you Proud.”

The Dream.

Its been, I guess, about a month or so since I had this dream. It all looked so real. Everything. Everyone. Sigh.

There hasn’t been a moment when I think about the dream and my eyes aren’t wet. No, not the sad wet. The happy teary-wet. It leaves me with a smile on my face and a tear in my eye. I feel… connected, maybe. It makes me believe in so much more.

I feel like I’m being watched over. It makes me feel safe. Protected. Like, nothing bad could happen to me. Ever.

I feel lucky enough to be the one having these dreams. Rather, I am. The time I sleep, is the time I get to do all the catching up with whatever’s happening.

That one Dream made me realize so much. I’ve learnt to smile at the good and chuck out the not-so-good. Cause I decide what I want to have as… memories. If I want to feel happy about the good or crib and sulk about how it could’ve been better.

You know how the negatives always over-shadow the good in people? You ought to look beyond that. Beyond all of it, is the person you never really knew. The actual them.

Because everyone deserves to be known. Minus all the perceptions, minus all the things that built up an image of who you think they are. Because beneath all of it you’d find a beautiful person. Trust me, you will.

And I hope to see people do that. The day that happens, everyone will be a lot more happier.

Peace.

P.S.: Somethings are too close to the heart to be detailed out. Don’t ask me about the dream. Thank You. =)